Tag: life

The Gardener

I recall on so many occasions my mom spending Sundays outside caring for her plants. I have tried, on multiple occasions to develop a “green thumb” to no avail. My mom has the ultimate “green thumb”. On multiple occasions I have watched her take a dying plant and within a few months the plant is thriving. I have always asked her “how do you do this”? Her simple response is, “you must take the time to care for the plant if you want it to flourish. You must water and nourish the plant. You must place it in the appropriate environment for it to bloom. It is vital to also ensure the plant is protected from insects and pest that will strip the plant of its beauty, “keep pest away”.

Now think about your current relationship, we are all seeking longevity. However, are you taking care of your marriage? Think about your marriage as a plant. You see a beautiful green plant with flourishing leaves and think to yourself, I would really love to have that plant in my home. However, the individual that currently has the luxurious plant has invested time, energy and effort into their plant. They have studied the best way to care for their plant, and the needs of their plant. Are you willing to do the same?

A successful marriage takes time, energy and intentional effort. Some say that “marriage is hard”. Marriage is not hard. There are tough times in a marriage, but those tough times should not define your marriage. Just as a plant needs constant TLC so does your marriage. Are you currently putting in the work necessary for your marriage to thrive?

Ensure you are watering and nourishing your marriage, spending quality time together (see post titled: Clear the Clutter). Ensure you have the correct potting soil for you plant. Your marriage must be planted in a good foundation to flourish. People get married for an array of reasons. However, without the appropriate “potting soil” challenges will arise that shake your marriage at the roots and without a good foundation, it will be difficult to maintain a successful, happy and thriving marriage. Are you in the appropriate environment for your marriage to bloom? There are indoor plants and outdoor plants. There are desert plants and plants that flourish in water. Every relationship will flourish in a different environment, ensure your marriage is rooted in an environment in which it can thrive. Does your marriage have a good supportive network? (see post titled: Couple Friendships). Lastly, you have a growing thriving plant. However, you have not made the appropriate arrangements to ensure that pest do not invade your plant. Always remember that not everyone is rooting for your marriage to succeed. It is imperative that you know the difference. Ensure that you have built a “greenhouse” so impenetrable that negativity cannot gain access. You must identify the pest and take measures to keep them away from your plant.

“A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expanded effort on them”. -Liberty Hyde Bailey

Couple Friendships

Do you have couple friends?

There is an understated importance in understanding that couples need other couples in their supportive network. It is vital to surround yourself with other married couples who are like-minded and successful in sustaining their relationship. These connections and friendships can ultimately strengthen your relationship. The concept of taking marriage advise from someone who is not successfully in a relationship is very strange to me. I say “in a successful relationship” because not every relationship is a thriving union. Many individuals are in relationships that are detrimental to them. Therefore, the couple(s) you chose to surround your marriage with, should consist of individuals who provides a safe space for you to divulge situations that may arise and offer guidance.

Relationships with other couples provides you the opportunity to discuss marital problems, every marriage has their own unique set of conflicts that arise. However, within most marriages there are a few similarities among the struggles that are encountered. The opportunity to discuss these situations with other couples, who have successfully hurdled this barrier, can provide insight on solutions that can empower your relationships.

The notion that what happens in a marriage stays in a marriage is true, to a certain extent. I stumbled upon a quote that stated, “wives need a like-minded safe place to divulge (and) husbands need a like-minded brotherhood to decompress”. There are many benefits in having an outside perspective on situations that arise within your marriage (please keep in mind that the individuals with whom you discuss situations within your marriage, should be individuals with whom you trust. As stated prior, but cannot be stressed enough, these are individuals who create a safe space for you to be vulnerable and open). There are so many individuals who believe that they are alone in their situations, when in reality many others are experiencing the same situations within their own relationship. Whether it’s financial, sexual, conception, communication, etc. having the opportunity to discuss these topics with other couples will provide the support and insight needed.

It’s also great just hanging out and have a good time with others in the same phase of life as you are. We do not treasure the idea of being away from our significant other for extended periods of time, we ultimately like hanging out with our significant other (that’s why we married them). Therefore, hanging out with other couples provides the opportunity for you and your significant other to go out and have fun. The camaraderie that can develop, knowing that you are spending time with others who truly understand that marriage is work and are willing to invest the time and effort to develop a successful marriage, provides a support that can ultimately build your relationship and bond with your spouse.

Surround yourself with individuals at various stages in their relationship. Surround yourself with individuals who are “seriously dating” (not fly by flings), individuals who are engaged, newlyweds and various stages of marriage (5,10,20, 50 years). Learn from other marriages and encourage other relationships and marriages.

**Disclaimer: I truly love and treasure my relationships with my single friends **

“Surround yourself with people who get it”. -Unknown 

Clear the Clutter

When you reside in a home for an extended period, you automatically begin to collect and store “stuff”. Before you know it, you have a drawer filled with stuff, “clutter”. You have accumulated items in the garage, you have an office filled with papers and documents and your closet begin to grow with clothes and shoes etc.

Marriages are the same way. When you first become married, all you have is each other and you begin to build a life together. However, as we begin to build a life together we start to collect stuff within our marriage creating clutter. These items often refocus our attention from each other. We begin to worry more about the home (purchasing a home or the value of the home you currently have), the car, life insurance policies (make sure you have one) and becoming financially stable as a couple. Eventually, children are added to the mix and now you have completely neglected each other by focusing on the clutter.

It is vital to take time to clear the clutter and refocus on each other. Refocus on the love you have for each other and the commitment you made to each other. Love must be nurtured to grow and develop.

Spend time together, building and understanding the love language of each other, discussing each other’s goals, dreams and aspirations. Spend time connecting with each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As time goes by, individuals within a relationship grow and develop which can foster changes within the individual. It is vital to provide each individual space and support to grow and develop. However, at the same time growing together as a couple. Do not allow the clutter to grow to such a substantial level that you both grow individually and separately.

A key component for my husband and I is “date night”. It is such a simple concept but one that is often overlooked. We met when we were both in college focusing on our studies realizing we spend very little time together…and thus “Thursday Night Date Night” was developed and has continued over the years. The rule is simple we cannot schedule anything on date night that does not involve both of us and we must both agree on whatever is scheduled. Most times we simply go out to dinner, or we spend time together at home. There are a few times in which we will go out to dinner with another couple (The importance of relationships with other couples will be addressed in another post ).

During date night we focus solely on each other, we clear the clutter. Date night provides a reminder of the commitment we made to each other. It strengthens the friendship we have built and increases our “connectiveness”.

Remember to clear the clutter.

“Love grows best in little houses, with fewer walls to separate. Where you eat and sleep so close together, you can’t help but communicate. And if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss. Love grows best in houses just like this.” -Doug Stone